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Child Abuse
CHILD ABUSE

Child Abuse Hotline
800-792-5200

Resource Center
On Child Protection
& Custody
800-527-3223

Cornell.edu


Released from Shame: Recovery for Adult...


Verbal Abuse: Healing the Hidden Wound


Using Guilt:
When Abusers Play the Victim

Playing the Victim is an extremely effective technique used to control someone (especially children). An abuser controls the child's behavior by becoming the so-called wounded victim. The child might say or do something that the abuser becomes uncomfortable with. In reaction to the child's behavior, the abuser responds by saying something like this:

  • "How could you do that to your mother?"
  • "Daddy thinks you don't love him anymore."
  • "You don't care about me at all, do you."
  • "You'll hurt mommy. You're driving her crazy and no one will be able to take care of you then!"

This destructive control behavior uses false guilt to control the child. When the abuser is a parent or other caretaker, the child looks inward and thinks: "How could I do that to my parent . . . . . She (or He) looks so hurt and sounds so angry or depressed . . . . She's (or He's) talking and looking at me; therefore I must have caused her (or his) pain . . . . I'd better be good so I don't hurt her (or him) any more . . . . . she's (or he's) the only one I have to take care of me and the alternative of taking care of myself scares me to death, because that's impossible for myself as a child to do. I could die. I'm sure I'd die."

These children can learn to automatically feel guilty, terrified, and anxious when they come in contact with anyone playing the victim.

Shaming & Abusive Language

Shaming and Abusive Language are destructive control behaviors that use shaming remarks, names, and labels to control the child. Shaming is not the same as false guilt. Shaming is judging with the intent to humiliate and discount the child's sense of self worth:

  • "Why are you so stupid?"
  • "I thought I raised you better than that."
  • "You ought to know better."
  • "You should of known better."
  • "You're embarrassing me and pissing me off."
  • "Stop that right now; everyone is looking; you're being naughty."

The abuser uses shame to lead the child into believing that they are somehow inadequate, strange, or not good enough. The abuser also "feels better" by expelling their internal feelings of shame or badness and projecting that shame or badness onto the child.

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Forgiving Our Parents Forgiving Ourselves


The Secret Message
of Shame


Guilt and Children


Rising Above Shame: Healing Family Wounds to Self Esteem


Healing the Victim: New Methods to Treat Victims of Life Abusers

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