From www.aardvarc.org

Domestic Violence in Same Sex Relationships

Domestic violence in the GLBT community is a serious issue. The rates of domestic violence in same-gender relationships is roughly the same as domestic violence against heterosexual women. As in opposite-gendered couples, the problem is likely underreported. Facing a system which is often oppressive and hostile towards those who identify as anything other than "straight", those involved in same-gender battering frequently report being afraid of revealing their sexual orientation or the nature of their relationship.

Additionally, even those who attempt to report violence in their alterative relationship run into obsticles. Police officers, prosecutors, judges and others to whom a GLBT victim may turn to for help may have difficulty in providing the same level of service as to a heterosexual victim. Not only might personal attitudes towards the GLBT community come into play, but these providers may have inadequate levels of experience and training to work with GLBT victims and flimsy or non-existant laws to enforce on behalf of the victim.

Although much advancement has been made in the provision of services, the enforcement of the law, and the equality of protections available to those in GLBT relationships over the last decade, it is important for you to be aware of your rights and options as they relate to your attempt to escape an abusive relationship.

GLBT Domestic Violence: Similarities and Differences

In many ways, domestic violence in lesbian, bisexual and gay relationships is the same as in opposite-gendered (e.g., heterosexually-paired) relationships:

On the other side of the coin, several important aspects of GLBT relationships mean domestic violence is often experienced differently.

Emotional abuse for someone who is gay, lesbian, or bisexual may be to out them at work or to family or friends. (See: Lundy, Abuse That Dare Not Speak Its Name: Assisting Victims of Lesbian and Gay Domestic Violence in Massachusetts, 28 New England Law Review 273, Winter 1993).

Local resources for domestic violence in the GLBT community are often scarce and many traditional domestic violence services lack the training, sensitivity, and expertise to adequately recognize and address abusive GLBT relationships. A GLBT individual who is being battered must overcome homophobia and denial of the issue of battering. GLBT victims have much more difficulty in finding sources of support than heterosexual women who are battered by their male partners.

Here are more ways same-gender domestic violence is unique:

It is frequently incorrectly assumed that lesbian, bi and gay abuse must be "mutual." It is not often seen as being mutual in heterosexual battering.

Utilizing existing services (such as a shelter, attending support groups or calling a crisis line) either means lying or hiding the gender of the batterer to be perceived (and thus accepted) as a heterosexual. Or it can mean "coming out", which is a major life decision. If lesbians, bi's and gays come out to service providers who are not discreet with this information, it could lead to the victim losing their home, job, custody of children, etc. This may also precipitate local and/or statewide laws to affect some of these changes, depending on the area.

Lesbians, bi's and gays are usually not as tied financially to their partner, which can be a benefit if they decide to end the relationship. However, if their lives are financially intertwined, such as each paying a rent or mortgage and having "built a home together", they have no legal process to assist in making sure assets are evenly divided, a process which exists for their married, heterosexual counterparts.

Telling heterosexuals about battering in a GLBT relationship can reinforce the myth many believe that these relationships are "abnormal." This can further cause the victim to feel isolated and unsupported. The GLBT community itself often not supportive of victims of battering because many want to maintain the myth that there are no problems (such as child abuse, alcoholism, domestic violence, etc.) in lesbian, bi and gay relationships.

Receiving support services to help one escape a battering relationship is more difficult when there are also oppressions faced. Battered lesbians and female bisexuals automatically encounter sexism and homophobia, and gay and bisexual men encounter homophobia. Lesbian or gay people of color who are battered also face racism. These forms of social oppressions make it more difficult for these groups to get the support needed (legal, financial, social, housing, medical, etc.) to escape and live freely from an abusive relationship.

Lesbian, bi and gay survivors of battering may not know others who are lesbian, bi or gay, meaning that leaving the abuser could result in total isolation.

The lesbian, bi and gay community within the area may be small, and in all likelihood everyone the survivor knows will soon know of their abuse. Sides will be drawn and support may be difficult to find. Anonymity is not an option, a characteristic many heterosexual survivors can draw upon in "starting a new life" for themselves within the same city.

Same Sex Domestic Violence: MYTHS

MYTH #1: Only straight women get battered. Men are not victims of domestic violence, and women never batter.

REALITY: Such myths ignore and deny the realities of same-sex relationships. Men can be and are victims of domestic violence. Women can be and are batterers. Domestic violence is fundamentally a power issue. Even when two people are of the same gender, power differences exist and can be abused.

MYTH #2: Domestic violence is more common in straight relationships than it is in same-sex relationships.

REALITY: There is no reason whatsoever to assume that GLBT people are less violent than heterosexual men and women. Research on same-sex domestic violence can be difficult, given the fact that many of us are not comfortable being open about our relationships, let alone abusive ones. Research that has been done indicates that battering in same-sex relationships is about as common as in heterosexual relationships. It is increasingly agreed that battering presents one of the most significant health risks to GLBT communities today.

MYTH #3: It really isn't violence when a same-sex couple fights. It's just a lover's quarrel, a fair fight between equals.

REALITY: This is based on the false assumption that two people of the same gender have no power differences. It also ignores that fact that in domestic violence relationships, it is the choice of one partner to take advantage of her or his power in abusive ways. There is nothing 'fair' about being knocked against a wall, being threatened, or enduring endless criticism from an angry lover. Dismissing domestic violence as 'just a lover's quarrel' trivializes and excuses violence that is just as real, and dangerous, as any in a heterosexual relationship.

MYTH #4: It really isn't violence when gay men fight. It's boys being boys. A man should be able to defend himself.

REALITY: These ideas grow out of a larger societal attitude and the primitive notion that it is acceptable for men to be violent; that it is normal or even appropriately masculine. There is nothing normal or appropriate about domestic violence. The vast majority of men and women are not violent, and the majority of same-sex relationships are free of abuse. 'Boys being boys' may have been harmless (or was it?) on the playground at age six, but when you are adult with injuries inflicted by your lover, it is neither normal nor acceptable.

MYTH #5: The batterer is always bigger, stronger, more 'butch'. Victims will always be smaller, weaker, more feminine.

REALITY: Experience with heterosexual battering and attitudes about traditional sex roles lead many to fall into stereotypes of how batterers and victims, respectively, should look and act. Unfortunately, such stereotypes are of little actual use in helping us to identify who the batterer is in a same-sex relationship. A person who is small, but prone to violence and rage can do a lot of damage to someone who may be taller, heavier, stronger, and non-violent. Size, weight, 'masculinity', 'femininity' or any other physical attribute or role is not a good indicator of whether a person will be a victim or a batterer. A batterer does not need to be 6'1" and built like a rugby player to use a weapon against you, to smash your compact discs, to cut up your clothing, or tell everyone at work that you really are 'queer'.

MYTH #6: Lesbian and Gay domestic violence is sexual behavior, a version of S & M. The victim actually likes it.

REALITY: This myth persists because many people try to define and understand GLBT people exclusively through sexual behavior - AND because they mistakenly assume that the majority of GLBT relationships are based on or include sadomasochistic behaviors (do we assume that anyone who wears a leather jacket owns a Harley and is a member of the Hells Angels?).

Confusing S & M with battering, in either straight or homosexual relationships, keeps us from facing the reality that domestic violence occurs in ALL kinds of relationships, and is not the victim's fault. In consensual S & M, any violence, coercion or domination occurs within the context of a mutually pleasurable 'scene', within which there is trust and/or an agreement between parties about the limits and boundaries of behavior. In contrast, domestic violence takes place without any mutual trust or agreement, and is not consensual or pleasurable for the victim, regardless of their gender or sexual orientation. A batterer's violent and coercive behaviors don't just affect the sexual relationship, but pervade other aspects of the relationship as well.

MYTH #7: The law does not and will not protect victims of same sex domestic violence.

First, we must remember that there is a difference between codified laws and the enforcement of those laws. Without a law in place that specifically defines what actions constitute a crime and exactly who can be considered a victim, there is no law in place to BE enforced. In many U.S. states, heterosexuality is not a requirement for protection under abuse prevention laws. Within the last ten years, many states have altered laws to be more gender neutral, affording protection to anyone who has been abused or threatened by someone they've lived with or had an intimate dating relationship with, regardless of the gender of either party. Similarly, some very conservative states have gone to great lengths to define that only opposite gendered persons who have been married, lived together or had a child together can be considered "domestic violence victims". Some states fall somewhere in the middle with vast grey areas that don't concretely define one way or the other if victims in homosexual relationships can be protected under domestic violence statues - meaning that it falls to the descretion of law enforcement to take the report, the prosecutor to file the charges and the judge to consider the case under domestic violence statutes. From the "law" side then, unless your state statutes clearly provide guidance for law and court personnel, even the most issue-conscious and well-meaning police officers, prosecutors and judges don't have statutory ability to take action on behalf of same sex victims of domestic violence under the umbrella of "domestic violence laws". Illinois, Ohio, Kentucky and Hawaii have laws that specifically ALLOW victims in same-sex relationships to get a domestic violence restraining order. Montana, Arizona, New York, Delaware, Louisiana, South Carolina, and Virginia have laws that specifically DENY these victims from receiving a protection order. In Florida, Mississippi and Maryland, laws are unclear but arguably exclude victims of same-sex domestic violence. The other 36 states and the District of Columbia have laws that are gender-neutral and do not specifically include or exclude same-sex relationships.

In more and more cases today, the application of these laws goes smoothly and fairly for victims of same-sex domestic violence. Unfortunately, because of myths detailed here and intolerance among some personnel in the criminal justice system, this is not always true. Some police officers still fail to determine the nature of the relationship between same-sex parties to an assault, and therefore don't even consider applying abuse prevention laws. Others remain hostile or unwilling to recognize the rights of GLBT people. One may also still encounter court personnel or judges who are uncomfortable, unhelpful, or unfair in their treatment of same-sex case. Because of this reality individual victims must make personal decisions, within the context of an overall safety plan, about how and when they will make use of police and court services. This does NOT mean that action cannot be taken - charges and arrests can and do take place, but for individualized crimes such as assault and battery which typically carry lesser sentences and are easier for an abuser to plead out of or have charges dropped altogether.

Make sure to check the wording of the domestic violence statutes in your state and/or contact your local Gay & Lesbian Community program for further information and legal referrals.

MYTH #8: It is easier for lesbian or gay victims of domestic violence to leave the abusive relationship than it is for heterosexual battered women who are married.

REALITY: Same-sex couples are as intertwined and involved in each other's lives as are heterosexual couples. There is no evidence that the absence of children makes leaving a violent partner easier, and same-sex couples can have children as well. The invisibility and relatively limited supports available to victims of same-sex domestic violence may compound barriers to leaving. Many GLBT people lack support from their families and communities, and may not be able to rely on them for help. Victims may also be threatened by their batterers with 'outing' if they attempt to leave an abusive relationship, or convinced that potential helpers will be homophobic and unhelpful.

Same Sex Domestic Violence: Research and Statistics

The prevalence of domestic violence among Gay and Lesbian couples is approximately 25 - 33%.
Barnes, It's Just a Quarrel', American Bar Association Journal, February 1998, p. 25.

Each year, between 50,000 and 100,000 Lesbian women and as many as 500,000 Gay men are battered.
Murphy, Queer Justice: Equal Protection for Victims of Same-Sex Domestic Violence, 30 Valparaiso University Law Review. 335 (1995).

While same-sex battering mirrors heterosexual battering both in type and prevalence, its victims receive fewer protections.
Barnes, It's Just a Quarrel', American Bar Association Journal, February 1998, p. 24.

Seven states define domestic violence in a way that specifically excludes same-sex victims. States with sodomy laws basically require same-sex victims to confess to a crime in order to prove they are in a domestic relationship.
Barnes, It's Just a Quarrel', American Bar Association Journal, February 1998, p. 24.