The Tactics and Tools of Abusive Relationships

This section is being written in response to the many emails we receive which have a common theme: how could this happen to me?

From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia:

Military tactics is the collective name for methods of engaging and defeating an enemy. Tactics is the application of forces to a situation. This is different from military strategy, which is more concerned with long-term results. Common military tactics include frontal assaults, attempts to flank the enemy, keeping troops in reserve and the use of ambushes. Often deception in the form of camouflage, or misdirection using decoys, are used to confuse the enemy.

As you will see, abusers use many of these same tactics:

To flank is a verb, meaning to catch someone or something in the side (the flank, see above) or even from behind in order to attack them. The use of attack from an unexpected direction is generally very effective, and severely limits the offensive response possible for the attacked party. Flanking maneuvers (that is, movement in order to flank an enemy) are used on all levels of military tactics, from individual soldier up to army divisions.

An ambush is a long established military tactic in which an ambushing force uses concealment to attack an enemy that passes its position. Ambushers strike from concealed positions such as among dense underbrush or behind hilltops. The tactic is generally used to gather intelligence or to establish control over an area.

Shock and awe is a military doctrine similar to the guerilla Terror doctrine that calls for attempting to directly influence your adversary's will, perception, and understanding of events by inducing a state of shock and awe. It is not intended to replace the traditional military aim of destroying the adversary's military capability, but instead to integrate that destruction into a larger suite of actions intended to produce the psychological effect of "breaking the enemy's will to fight". The aim of Rapid Dominance is to reduce an adversary's understanding, ability, and will to respond to an attack; to create sufficient "shock and awe" to render the enemy impotent. Methods of inducing "shock and awe" can include direct force applied to command and control centers, selective denial of information and dissemination of disinformation, overwhelming combat force, and rapidity of action.

Deception is providing intentionally misleading information to others. Mimicry: The resememblance, through natural selection, of on organism to another, or to a natural object. Animals often attempt to deceive predators or prey by their appearance or behavior. Deception is used to hide secret information. Camouflage is a form of visual deception used in war. A disguise is an appearance to create the impression of being somebody or something else; for a well-known person this is also called incognito. Propaganda frequently involves deception. Deception is a reality and therefore a fascinating paradox. Deceiving one's opponent is important in many aspects of game theory. In many cases it is difficult, even in hindsight, to distinguish deception by somebody or an organization from providing unintentionally wrong information. One of the reasons is that a person or an entire organization may be self-deceived.

Reconnaissance seeks to collect a range of information about an enemy. This includes their locations, numbers, and intentions. A number of acronyms exist for the information to be gathered - mainly coined by the US - including salt (size, activity, location, and time), salute (size, activity, location, unit, time, and equipment), sam & doc (strength, armament, movement, deployment, organization, and communications)

The military tactic of frontal assault is a direct, hostile movement of forces towards enemy forces in a large number, in an attempt to overwhelm the enemy. This is often referred to as a "suicide strike," because it is often a commander's last resort when he has run out of strategies. In many cases, frontal assaults were made by thousands of men towards trenches defended by machine gun emplacements, with predictable and tragic results.

Using Emotional Abuse

- Putting you down
- Making you feel bad about yourself
- Calling you names
- Making you think you're crazy
- Playing mind games
- Humiliating you
- Making you feel guilty

Using Privilege Treating you like a servant Making all the big decisions Acting like the "Master" Being the one to define roles Making you unimportant Punishment for not "obeying" Ordering you around

Using Economic Abuse Preventing you from getting a job Making you ask for money Giving you an allowance Taking your money Secretive about income

Using Coercion and Threats Making or carrying out threats Threatening to leave, to commit suicide, to report you to welfare Making you drop charges Making you do illegal things

Using Intimidation Making you afraid (looks, gestures, actions) Smashing things Abusing Pets Displaying Weapons Threatening to expose your "weakness" Threatening to "tell"

Using Children Making you feel guilty about the children Using the children to relay messages Using visitation to harass you Threatening to take the children Threatening to hurt you through them

Using Isolation Controlling what you do, who you see and talk to, what you read, & where you go Limiting your outside involvement Using jealousy to justify actions Destroying your support system

Minimizing, Denying, Blaming Making light of the abuse and not taking your concerns about it seriously Saying the abuse didn't happen Shifting responsibility for abusive behavior