My Travels

My madness didnt come cheap. I had to save up all the blood, sweat and tears. Taxed with middle night fears. It could go from zero to hell in just minutes flat.

I loved to polish it. Pamper it. Take it for a one night spin. And see terrified looks in the eyes of those who loved me.

I could gas it up for free, just by reliving the unspeakable. Then head out on the open highway - towards the gaping hole inside.

The first trip I went alone. A private affair between myself and my past. The second time I went public - selling my friends a ticket to watch.

I headed towards despair with the pedal to the floor, then I realized I was already there and I hurried to get back. At the bon voyage party I got drunk and danced on the bar with a handsome stranger who stripped me of my pride.

I thought that company would be great to keep me awake on the drive. So I tossed my bouquet for luck and the bridegroom bore me away as my friends stared in horror through the windows of my soul.

Alone on my honeymoon, I made love to the ghosts of my past. I lay awake on clammy sheets afraid to surrender to the darkness, knowing that -- without a map -- I would not find my way back to morning.

I played the radio when I drove. Listening to the siren's songs and bashing my soul against the rocks. They lured my heart into the water. And held it under until the bubbles stopped then I watched it go off with the tide.

I prayed to a god I did not know. Made promises I could not keep. I found that wine and chocolates fattened the sacrificial lamb. And climbed up on the alter again.

I cried out to the mother I never had but always hated. I peered under beds and into darkened closets looking for the person in charge - knowing it couldn't be me.

I stood in the shower and wept and clawed myself until I bled. I watched my blood go down the drain and willed my spirit to follow. I read the labels on bottles of pills and considered the warnings An invitation to fly.

Some days I wore a happy mask and fooled my friends and family. I went through all the motions of holidays and the Changing of the Guard. I wore my pain on my sleeve, visible to all but noted by none.

I moved freely through the crowds. Like an invisible woman. Wherever I walked I was alone.